Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
