I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
