he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I supernannyed him into submission
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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