I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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