I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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