it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
