This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
