Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Every concussion has its silver lining
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
