**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
