I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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