chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
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