remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
