All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
