i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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