I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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