3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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