Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
