My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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