stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
My penis needs a shock collar
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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