i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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