it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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