I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
