im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
