I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
