At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
