3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
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He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
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I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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