I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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