i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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