i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
