just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
