how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
