Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
