I'm sorry my penis didn't work
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
