connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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