Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
