You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
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I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
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When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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