Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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