WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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