I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
