I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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