I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
