I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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