it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
