walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
