awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
