my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
