Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
