I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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