Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
