Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
