You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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