eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
