see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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