I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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