u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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