party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
