Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
