just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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