where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
We need to get me chipped asap
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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