The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Still dying that you shit outside
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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