My sheets look like a crime scene.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
