I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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