Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
